Diamonds & Thorns

Was Doing So Well Without Cutting Until Today

I was doing so good with not cutting. About two weeks without doing it, but tonight I cracked. I was trying to take a nap and everyone else in the house was loud with what they were doing, such as talking, watching t.v., and slamming cupboards in the kitchen. I was so annoyed and couldn’t stand any noise. Sometimes I get really upset and annoyed with noise, like I can’t stand to hear anything. Plus, I had a headache. So, without thinking of what I was doing I opened my eyes and grabbed the object, pulled down my pants and went at it. I was crying a bit too. 

Saw A New Psychiatrist Today

She seemed pretty awesome. She actually speaks English. It is so hard to understand the ones that can’t speak English very well. I talked to her today and we went over quite a lot. She said that she wants time to think about what she wants to put me on and wants blood work done. I am one step ahead because I already had the appointment with my regular doctor next Thursday and we were planning blood work then after my doctor sees me. The psychiatrist is very nice and she is thoughtful. I am kind of glad that she is going to take the time to think about what might help me instead of prescribing something right away. It makes sense. She said she really has to think about what part of the brain to attack with the medicine which makes sense. And I understand a lot of it because I am going into Psychology for my major, to become a School Psychologist, but I have to get better if I want to carry this dream of mine out.

Excited!

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this Wednesday. I am excited because I can’t wait to go back onto medicine. I think It will be a great step into actually recovering this time. Plus, this psychiatrist speaks clear English and is supposedly really good. It feels good that I am taking steps in the right direction.

Wish I Wasn’t So Embarrassed

I don’t know why, but I feel embarrassed about having depression and anxiety most of the time. I wish I could say it without a problem. I did have the courage to say something to a couple of people at work about it. There is a ton of people on this planet dealing with the same thing. We are all just people. We all have problems. It shouldn’t be that hard. I wish I could say that I was going through it more easily. When I told a couple at work, it felt really good. It felt like something was lifted. Keeping it a secret is a lot of work. It adds more stress. It felt really good to just say it. I wish I could tell everyone I knew so that I could be like, hey, if you are going through it to, I understand, we are in this together, I’m here for you. When I become a school psychologist, and I come across someone that is going through depression and/ or anxiety, and/or who self-harms, I will be like I understand I was there once. But I wish I could say that now as well. Why is it so hard? Why do people feel embarrassed about things like this? Mental Illness? Is it to taboo for Americans to talk about? Maybe it’s because we don’t want to be judged because we know they won’t understand. I think a lot of people don’t understand mental illness and self-harm. I think everyone, when they are in school should have to be required to talk a psychology class, and they should have to spend a good amount of time learning and understanding about mental illness and self-harm. Or maybe put it in health class. Yes, it is in both classes, but I think it should be covered more broadly. I have been going through it for a little over two years. Why am I so embarrassed?   

Every time I accidentally hurt myself, like a paper cut, I think of self-harm.

February 28, 2012

Lots of times when I’m standing and talking to someone, I feel like a can’t move after we are done talking because I feel like I don’t know what to do. I wish it was easier for me to make decisions. I would think it would be a little bit easier because I’ve been going through this for about two years now. I am really considering dropping calc. The thing I am worried about is bowling. I hope that if I drop calc, that I can bowl in the fall next school year. I really think I will be able to handle a full-time school schedule, bowling, band, and work. I am going to work extremely hard to get better, but with the right help, I think I can do it. I want to get better so I can become a school psychologist. I want to getter because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to love school again. I want to help others. I am a bit afraid to go into class today because it’s a lab day and those days don’t go well because we work independently where the teacher isn’t teaching or talking. I tend to get very upset on lab days because I think of things like, “I wish I could think clearer”, “I wish I could pay attention”, etc. I am most scared of going to class because I tend to think of hurting myself and that scares me. I also tend to walk out of the classroom. The teacher is so caring, I’m afraid to leave. Again, so much like Mr. Stevens, it hurts a lot. A LOT! Should I go in or should I skip and go do FYEX homework? I am leaning towards skipping because in afraid what will happen during class. Yes, I know I can’t worry about what might happen, but I tend to avoid things like homework. I know I will get upset. Sorry Mr. Danforth, but I am not coming to class today.

February 27, 2012

Yesterday I ended up cutting, on my thighs I was trying to hang out with Anthony and I asked if he was able to that day. He said he didn’t know and Tessa wanted to hang as well and so I told him that if we couldn’t hang, I would with Tessa. He texts back, it’s fine go hang with her, I don’t want to anymore. I got upset and frustrated. I went to my room, got the object, went into the bathroom, I cried a bit, trying not to cut, but after I while I caved. I drew a butterfly that night on my left arm. I’m extremely tired. I think I’m having another episode of feeling like the environment, where I am is strange, like derealization. I’ve felt it before I know at least once in high school. I know where I am, it just feels weird, really weird.

Later:

I’m afraid that I will get more overwhelmed since I have a job now as a hostess at Cracker Barrel. I’m afraid I will get more behind in school, but a job is good for me. I really think this job will be really good for because I have a chance to meet new people and make friends, I get to be more independent, and maybe it will get me to be a little more talkative. It’s good for me to have something scheduled like this. It’s good for me to get out and do things. I don’t want to fail school. I want to be myself again. When will I feel completely here? When will I stop feeling tried all the time? When will I stop using cutting as a solution? When will I be myself again? Who is myself?